Become Corporate via Individuation and Internalization

The Sanfords define the goal of maturity as “becoming corporate”. In this chapter, they throw around big words such as individuation, internalization and incorporation. It might be difficult to follow, but if you dig in and think about this chapter there are valuable gems to be found.

Normally we think of someone as mature if they think about others before they think about themselves. Good people skills and the ability to function well in community requires a healthy sense of trust that no matter what happens to them life will be okay. Mature people adopt values of love, humility and self-discipline. However before people can adopt these values their own (i.e., internalize those values), the Sanfords explain that they must first figure out who they are (i.e., individuation).

Beginning at conception in the womb, a person goes through a back and forth process between separating and “becoming one” … one with others and one with God. Here are some examples:

Parents have a narrow window of time, from birth to age twelve, in which to train a child in foundational values. Such training helps a child to grow deep roots (hidden underground like in a tree) which will support a healthy fruitful life later (visible above ground for everyone to see).

The alternating process climaxes during the teenage years. Though it might be tumultuous season, there are no shortcuts: a teenager must be allowed wrestle on their own with conflicting thoughts and emotions in order to successfully pass into adulthood. At each stage of individuating/incorporating process, a person must graduate successfully otherwise they cannot advance to the next stage. There is a proper sequence of development that is best accomplished at the right time, at the optimum season in a person’s maturation process. As prayer ministers, we should ask Holy Spirit to guide us understand God’s proper sequence of maturation and like detectives to discern what is out of time and place.

To Parents of Teenagers

Some Christians fail as parents precisely because they try too hard. They are too strict with their children, never allow them to explore life on their own and complete the individuating process. If a teenager is too sheltered, sequestered and squelched, they will not be able to figure out for themselves who they are, what they believe and why. Young women should not move too quickly from their father’s house to submission to a husband and house-bound duties as a wife and mother. If they do so, she runs the risk of feeling the need later in life to abandon her husband and children in order to find herself.

By the time a child reaches their teenage years, parents need to let go and entrust their teenagers to the Lord and to the moral training they gave their kids before the age of twelve. So if you are a parent of teenagers, don’t badger your kids. Maintain rules, but show compassion and respect to your young adult. If you push them at this crucial stage, they may feel backed into a corner. If you pressure them in one direction, don’t be surprised if they go in the opposite in order to be different. The more you push them, the further out they may have to go.

Even if the teenager is forced into compliance, they will not internalize the values. Later in life, they might push further into sin than they otherwise would have in order to find out what they really believe about it. Unfortunately by then, as an adult, they will not have have the proper protection of parents to help them out of a bad situation. Also extra suffering (e.g., a spouse, children and career) may be caused as a result of the individuating process occurring out-of-order and the wrong time in life.

In some situations, when a parent just can’t control their own tongue, it might be a good idea to let the teenager live with a trusted relative (an aunt or grandparent). In a less stressful environment, the teenager may be given the opportunity to choose what is right for themselves when given freedom to do so.

To Individuating Adults and Spouses Who Love Them

If your spouse never properly completed the individuating process as a teenager, they may need to do so later in life while married to you. The Sanfords offer you some advice on how to handle it.

1. Let your spouse have some time and money to explore suppressed talents and “safe” hobbies.
2. Don’t let your spouse treat you as her parent and don’t treat her as your child.
3. Show interest in your spouse’s new hobby, but don’t get too involved. Give him space.
4. If your wife is a homemaker, encourage her to get a part-time job or something else to allow her to explore life outside the home.
5. Go out on dates with your spouse and have fun! Make believe you’re teenagers again.
6. Be sensitive to your spouse’s mood: when he want to have fun or when she wants to have a serious talk. Don’t nag.
7. Help pick up the slack in your spouse’s responsibilities without complaint.

Destiny Malaise

The final step in the maturation process is to discover and fulfill our destiny. Each believer is God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works (Ephesians 2:10). These are God’s works, done by Holy Spirit in us. They are not religious feats of accomplishment pushed through by human tenacity. Finding out what our destiny is requires submission. We must give up trying to make it happen on our own strength.

Destiny malaise is a sickness of heart when you think you’ve missed God’s purpose for your life. Symptoms of destiny malaise include shoulder-slumping fatigue or overly dramatic emotionalism. If you’re suffering from destiny malaise, take the Sanfords’ advice: “Put it all on the altar. Stop searching and striving. Do what comes to hand. Bloom where you are planted.”

Letting Go of Your Past, a book by John & Paula Sanford, is part of the curriculum of the Elijah House Basic I training course which Elisabeth and I took in 2008. This is a book summary where each blog post will summarize a chapter.

Parental Inversion and Substitute Mate

When a parent is immature, incapable or unavailable, a child may sometimes take responsibility for that parent, sacrificing their childhood in order to fulfill the role of the errant parent. This is called parental inversion. Sometimes the parent is not only MIA (missing in action) as a parent but also as a spouse. The other parent may end up relying on a child as a substitute mate.

Situations when parental inversion and substitute mate can occur:

• a parent dies or is frequently away from the home
• parents fight a lot at home
• a parent is unavailable or unreliable due to alcoholism, gambling, physical problem or mental illness
• weak or broken parent uses child as a comforter or confidant
• parent who never receive love from his parents manipulate their children with guilt to give them love and gratitutde
• parents take children’s misbehavior as a personal affront and so pout, act hurt, demand comfort from the child or use silent treatment
• parents insecurity demands that that the child affirms the parent’s self-esteem
• sensitive, burden-bearing child senses a parent’s pain and comes to their rescue

Both parental inversion and substitute mate rob a person of his childhood and leave the child with baggage they take with them into adulthood. The child is not given the opportunity to be a child. Due to the external pressures of fear, the child is forced to exercise self-control to get chores done, take care of siblings, make money for the family or provide emotional stability for other family members. These children shoulder the burden which the parent should have carried. This leaves the child without an opportunity to be carefree, enjoy a little disorder and learn naturally and internally from foolish mistakes.

Some problems in adults that have suffered from parental inversion:

• inability to rest, even at home or while on vacation … always needing to solve other’s problems
• compulsive peacemaking
• overwork, over-achievement
• the “noble martyr” syndrome – always doing things yourself because you are not able able to trust others to do things “right” … an unconscious insult to others around you
• unable to relate properly with their spouse later on in life as an adult

Why would a child suffer for being helpful? After all they were just picking up the slack left by a parent? The Sanfords say that disrespect for the failing parent is the root cause of sin in the case of parental inversion and that it is pretty much impossible to grow up as a chid without passing judgment in some way against your parents. And for doing so, you’ll be judged with the same measure that you judged your parents. So the first step toward wholeness is to repent for judging your parents and for also possibly usurping your parent’s role.

Parental inversion and substitute mate are not just attitudes; they are habit structures. Repentance and prayer will start the healing process, but accountability from friends and family may be required to help break deeply ingrained behavior patterns.

Reactions

As new parents going through the difficulties of learning patience while dealing with incessant demands of raising a young child, my wife and I have a new-found respect for our parents. This chapter is a good warning and reminder of three often-taught virtue of Christian life.

It is important it is for me to continue to nurture my relationship with my wife. We are often taught in church and in marriage classes that the relationship between a husband and wife is the most important relationship in the family … that it serves as the foundation for wholeness in children. There is a big emphasis for husbands and wives to find a way to have weekly dates, take time to communicate and continue the romance. Even the Bible specifically commands husbands to love their wives. After reading this chapter, now I know why. Beyond the fact that is feels great to be in love with my wife, it is crucial for the children. As a father, it is my responsibility, as far as I am able, to provide a stable and nurturing home environment in which my children can grow up. I must be a loving husband to my wife or else she may find it necessary to find comfort and emotional support from our children (substitute mate) or worse, outside the family (adultery). I wonder how much grief in the history of humanity can be traced back to the root cause of husbands not loving their wives?

I must be home often and available to be a parent to my children. In this day and age where people can largely determine their own futures by the choices they make, barring severe illness or death, I can likely choose a career path that will allow me to be home and available most of the time. As a man, I struggle with overworking myself in order to provide for the family. My mind is frequently consumed with my business. I need to put my eyes back on the Lord and put my trust in God for our provision. Then I’ll be able to make wise choices of how I split my time between work and family.

My wife and I must be mature in Christ and emotionally stable in order not to project insecurities to our children. I think this is a great argument for waiting until you’re “ready” before dating or getting married. Parenthood is a great responsibility and people, as far as they are able, are wise to wait until they are mature and whole before they start dating and get married. People often say getting married makes you feel like an adult but having kids makes you really grow up. It’s true. But how much better it is to start marriage and parenthood with a good baseline maturity in Christ. In any case, becoming mature in the Lord in order not to taint my children is one of many good reasons to continue seeking the Lord daily through Bible study, prayer, worship and spending time with God. In doing so, I will grow more like Him in patience, kindness, peace, love and joy.

This chapter serves as a good warning for me of how important it is to keep on (1) loving my wife, (2) being an available father and (3) doing my devotions daily. The consequence for not doing so may be to doom my children to parental inversion or substitute mate, and all the baggage into adulthood that goes along with them. I’ve heard it said that a wise leader prevents problems rather than put out fires. It would be wise for me not to neglect these three virtues now in order to prevent problems from happening later.

Letting Go of Your Past, a book by John & Paula Sanford, is part of the curriculum of the Elijah House Basic I training course which Elisabeth and I took in 2008. This is a book summary where each blog post will summarize a chapter.

Spiritual Parenting

If you are in the red, it’s great to get out of debt. But its even better to be in the black. It’s not enough just to go from negative to zero. Who wants to stay a big fat zero … i.e. broke? In the same way, once the lost are found, they need to be brought into the vibrant life that God originally intended for them. Finding faith in Christ is a rebirth. And, as such, the church needs to be the nurturing environment of a loving, spiritual family for the newborn believers. In this spiritual family, there is a great need for spiritual fathers and mothers.

Not everyone needs spiritual parenting. But for those who do, it is nothing to be ashamed of. They just need the love and special affirmation that only a parent can give — which they probably never received — in order to grow and mature in Christ. The Sanfords, at one time, were wary when people they ministered to seemed to latch onto them, in what they thought was in an unhealthy way. They found that the more they avoided these people, the more they drained them. Then the Lord spoke to them that what those people desired was not inappropriate; they just needed the wholesome love of a parent which they had never received. If the Sanfords would open themselves up and give all of themselves, they will be satisfied and not drain the Sanfords anymore. Once understanding that this was of God, they opened their hearts to those people and prayed aloud to the people to whom they were ministering:

Insofar as [the person needing ministry] needs a father and mother to bring them to life, and will accept us as parents in Christ, we will be that, dear Lord. We will carry [name of person] in our hearts and let You love him [or her] to life.

Every person is unique, with a different background, personality and time-table. You can’t spiritual parent every person the same way. No one should get awards for maturing quickly or be criticized for maturing slowly. Being a spiritual parent involved carrying him or her in your heart. The Sanfords talk about feeling their spiritual child’s loneliness, fear, insecurity, anger, doubt or oppression. A kind of identification occurs.

Spiritual parents should:

• have a stable home life
• not be a recent convert (1 Timothy 3:4-6)
• still have time to take care of their own natural children
• make sure the prospective spiritual son/daughter really wants healing and growth

Make sure your prospective spiritual parent:

• has a good relationship with his/her children
• has children (if any) that are well-behaved
• is mature in the Lord

The typical spiritual parent-child relationship lasts two to three years.

Although people married with children have a natural head-start in prayer ministry, a single person should not feel disqualified or second-class in becoming a spiritual parent.

Spiritual parenting targets:

• offer simple love and acceptance
• coach them to let go of childish things
  • minister to the to the not-yet-matured parts of their heart
  • respect person as an adult
• discern when and when not to coach
• disciple person to cherish the Lord Jesus, trust God, study the Bible, attend church, engage in ministry and seek the Lord with zeal

When to say nothing and stand by

The most fascinating part of this chapter describes how to the spiritual parent needs to be able to discern when the spiritual child is going through the “dark night of the soul” or a “wilderness experience”. It can be terrifying when one finally confronts the “beast” concealed within his inner depths. Some choose to flee; others continue the battle. If the “child” is struggling with the temptation to escape and bury his head in the sand, the “parent” needs to pray strength into their spiritual child and tactfully confront him. When the “child” moves forward, he may become broken/shattered. But this is not a time for the “parent” to shower the spiritual child with comfort, counsel or criticism. It is time for the spiritual parent to simply stand by … stand by in prayer, saying nothing, watching over the spiritual child with a calm presence. The child is in a private desert and like a moth in a chrysalis, the struggle must be alone. The spiritual parent should stand by, quietly believing when the child has no strength to believe himself. If the spiritual parent imparts strength at this time it will only postpone the spiritual child’s maturity. This is the working out of Galatians 6:2-5 in which one should carry one another’s burdens but that each one should carry his own load.

Letting Go of Your Past, a book by John & Paula Sanford, is part of the curriculum of the Elijah House Basic I training course which Elisabeth and I took in 2008. This is a book summary where each blog post will summarize a chapter.

Click here to read Chapter 1.

Introduction

Since the Industrial Revolution fathers have been less available to father their children. They were no longer near the home, working on the farm, available to parent children. Instead they went out to factories to work. In the modern world of two-income homes, it is rare even for the mother to be home to parent the children. Much of the parenting of the last few generations has been abdicated to the school system. As a result, people enter into marriage and parenthood without having been properly prepared and trained for it by their own parents. Training people to become effective spouses and parents is absolutely vital. The family unit is, after all, the basic building block of society. Doctors, attorneys and even athletes go through extensive training and exams before being certified to practice or play their profession. Preparation for marriage and parenthood is equally important. The purpose of this book is to help people to let go of the habits, hurts and attitudes they developed in their past lives, ostensibly as children, due to a lack of effective parenting. The book aims to teach people to apply the blood, cross and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ those wounds of the heart, bringing about healing and change through true repentance.

This quick read injects a healthy dose of fear regarding the nauseating consequences of sexual impurity. Some take-aways:

“Purity is always smart; impurity is always stupid.” Obedience doesn’t make you holy, it shows you are wise.

Jesus equates leering with adultery. So we have to steer way clear of any possible opportunities for lust to tempt us: television shows, commercials, movies, newspaper inserts, websites, magazines, etc. Anything that might cause you to sin should be cut out. If you think that’s drastic and extreme, Randy says that’s nothing compared to what Jesus said to do which was to gouge out your eye or cut off your hand if it causes you to sin.

Once sources of temptation are removed, you should fill your mind with pure thoughts by spending time with God in scripture, prayer and worship. Accountability with trusted friends or spouse is important.

One good idea to try from Randy: whenever you are tempted, close your eyes and picture a large, sharp, barbed hook attached to a fishing line. Don’t bite or you’ll get caught.

Two prayers for married men:

• Lord, kill me before I ever commit adultery and betray my wife.
• Lord, make my wife the hottest, sexiest woman on the planet to me.

Randy admonishes believers in Christ to walk daily with the Lord, trusting in Him for strength to have victory, to not despair but have hope in God, to guard our hearts and keep covenant with our eyes, by the grace of God.